


Brain Dead?

by Haggis (Karen121968)



Series: Holby City Stuff [2]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Infuriating women and why they never listen!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:13:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8352280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karen121968/pseuds/Haggis
Summary: This takes place after the great escape to Ukraine and is my take on how Serena would actually deal with everything.No Alex in this one, though she does get an honourable mention!The title follows on the other themes on the show, apologies if its a bit heartless but it seemed apposite for this relationship as well.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I did say the last fic would be the only one but then these characters will just not leave me alone. I caught up with the last three episodes when I came back from holiday and the binge watching has clearly overfed the plot bunnies! 
> 
> I can't seem to get the formatting to work correctly, the letter was originally in italics, so I've top/tailed the letter sections with ********, hopefully that will make it understandable!

“I didn’t want you to go” Serena breathed out and read the first sentence back to herself. “And not just because you owe me dinner”

She nibbled on the end of the pen and gazed around the office. Balled up scraps of paper littered the floor near the bin and she scowled at the mess. Not that it mattered now that she had nobody to share her office with but she wasn’t usually this messy.

“Then again” she sighed to herself “There are a lot of things I’m doing differently these days”

Raf knocked on the door quietly and opened it a few inches when he heard an answer from inside. “Serena?” he asked and glanced around at the mess before quickly returning his gaze to her raised eyebrow. “We’re heading to Albies, did you want to join us?”

“No thanks Raf” she leaned back in her chair. “I’m afraid I’m not very good company right now”

“Maybe you just need to get out of here?” he tentatively suggested. He’d been glaring at porters and nurses for two weeks now and reminding them that this was a hospital where people actually worked instead of gossiping. He had a fair idea of what had been happening with his friends but he was also sure that they would figure it out for themselves, somehow.

Serena chuckled and nodded at him. “You’re absolutely correct” she twirled the pen nervously. “But I think I just need to finish this letter before I can do that properly”

“You’re sure?” he waited for her nod “OK, well I’ll see you tomorrow then”

She settled down and continued this latest version of her attempt to write some sense into her life.

******************************************************************************************

Dear Bernie,

I didn’t want you to go and not just because you owe me dinner.

I’ve been doing little else but think about those last few hours before you ran out of here, and don’t even try to deny that you left tyre tracks on the floor on the way out.

So I’ve decided to send you this letter in the hope that you’ll read it more successfully than you listened to me.

I’ve had a lot of time to think and after a couple of days of being angry and getting through several bottles of wine I’ve realised a few things about myself and you. 

First of all, I’ve realised that wine and anger combined just make me sad and teary so I’ve given up alcohol until we can share a bottle together at our reconciliation dinner. This dinner will be at a hideously expensive restaurant and the wine will be obscenely expensive as well, I think you owe me that at the very least.

I wonder if you’ve been too busy with your new job to think about us? I know you do care, more than as a friend, but is it easier for you to lock it all up and dive into helping to set up the new unit?

It took me a week to see the similarities between us and Alex and you. Not just the kissing, although I will come back to that later. When Alex left you to figure out what you wanted, rather than what you didn’t want, you hid yourself away at work and pretended that everything was fine. Are you doing the same thing this time?

How does it feel to be on the other side of that decision, does it make it any easier to cope with getting out of bed in the morning? I know that there are some differences this time around, we are both unencumbered by annoying spouses, but at least with Alex, you could do something to remedy the situation so I’m trying to understand what you expected me to do?

I’ve written lists of pros/cons for us as a couple, researched A LOT and, quite frankly, my google search history would probably make even Dom blush! I have also, rather distressingly, listened to a lot of Dusty Springfield and I’ve now had to completely give up listening to music in the car because driving whilst sobbing is actually quite dangerous and I’d rather get to work under my own steam than in the back of an ambulance.

So I think I understand what happened in the space of that ridiculous day, where we kissed rather wonderfully (at least I thought so) and I accidentally confessed my feelings. The feelings weren’t accidental, far from planned either, to be honest, but I would probably have taken another week or two to realise myself what was happening before then engaging in several weeks of sapphic angst before finally telling you. I wonder if you’d have looked as petrified as you did if I’d taken longer to confess?

You’re scared of getting involved and decided to follow standard operating procedure for a macho Major who is scared and retreated to an entirely different country.

But we are involved, I wasn’t the only one doing the kissing and the hugging and the smoldering looks! You do have feelings for me, more than just as a friend, and for some reason, you chose the coward’s way out instead of talking to me about it, about them, about us.

*****************************************************************************************

Serena took a deep breath, rolling her neck and shoulders to get rid of some of the tension. She hadn’t written a letter with actual pen and paper in years and never one this emotionally charged. She sipped from the coffee sitting beside her and winced as she realised it was cold and bitter, but this didn’t stop her from finishing it as it was more about the caffeine hit than the barista flavour when it came from the vending machine anyway.

“OK,” she said to herself. “Time to hit her with the big guns” she looked around to make sure that nobody else was around and then rolled her eyes at her poor attempt at humour. “If I can’t even amuse myself what chance do I have?” she muttered before flexing her hand and grasping the pen again. She pulled a new sheet of paper towards her and reread the last few lines to get back into her train of thought.

******************************************************************************************

In some ways I feel even worse about Alex now, now that I know why you never pursued her after she left. How could you think that her giving you a way out was a permanent solution to facing your fear? Because I can see that she was trying to be noble, trying to give you the space you needed to sort yourself out, but I have no doubt that she expected you to contact her once that was achieved. I wonder if you expect the same from me, do you think I’ll just skulk away and never mention this again? 

Of course, I can’t feel too badly about Alex because without her I wouldn’t have known you, in all of your glorious confusion and bewilderment. But I won’t be as easy to ‘leave behind’ as Alex because I won’t let you continue to run, to move on to someone else.

Don’t worry, I won’t turn up in Kiev weeping and wailing at your door. However, I do worry about you having a ‘woman in every theatre’ so could you try to break that pattern?

Perhaps you’ll find it easier to reply to this letter with what YOU want, what YOU see us becoming when you return from your sojourn? I do rather enjoy writing a letter again but even an email would be sufficient. Don’t even consider a text, however, that would get you several more months of penance than you already have!

I do want to know what you think though because you seemed awfully keen to discuss what I was thinking and feeling, or your version of it anyway. It took me several days to realise that you never once said what you were feeling, apart from some vague notion of hurting me and caring about me. What does that even mean, how could you hurt me by taking a chance and loving me? I’m sure you know the symptoms of falling in love as well as I do and I don’t doubt for a second that you’re experiencing them as well. What I’m not sure of is why you insist that this should be a slow, well thought out process? In my experience (not as extensive as you may think!) love is at its most potent, most fun, when you run headlong into it, dive in and swim in it, surround yourself with it. Why would you deny yourself that opportunity by trying to slow things down, why would you prefer dipping one toe in then running for the hills?

If you’re still reading, thank you. I am sorry about the stream of consciousness you’ve waded through to get to this point but if I keep stopping and starting again to rewrite I will end up not being able to leave the office because of the discarded piles of paper surrounding me! You’d be horrified at how messy our office is, although I am throwing most of it towards your desk since it is entirely your fault that I’m sitting here writing instead of in Albies having several glasses of wine with our friends.

I did promise to come back to the kissing, which I have been doing with embarrassing regularity whilst working! Despite the fact that I was angry, sad, embarrassed and then angry again for most of the past two weeks, the thought of kissing you again has always been sitting waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. Do you think we’ll ever get a chance to actually kiss somewhere outside of our place of work or is it the smell of hand cleanser that makes you susceptible to a bit of sapphic snogging? It was a good kiss, though, wasn’t it? And you did say you’d wanted to do it for a while, so what stopped you?

I have been trying to understand why you place such stock in kissing you being so different from anyone else I’ve kissed before. I know I said that I was nervous about the lesbian aspect but that was just my shock and stupidity taking over my brain for a second or two. Considering your shock and stupidity has led you to a different bloody country then I think I should get some credit for mine only occurring in our office!

I also watched a couple of movies which were more relevant to our particular situation…..yes OK I bought lesbian movies, alright, and now my Amazon order history is almost as embarrassing as my google search history! Anyway, it appears that the longest kiss in a movie is three minutes and twenty-four seconds and I rather think it would be an interesting challenge to better that as soon as we can. I’ll let you watch the movie if you want a few pointers, although you seemed to get the hang of it quite quickly if my memory serves me well. 

I’m going to stop soon, I don’t want to overload you more than I already have. However, you know I do love a bullet point list so I will leave you with this:

\- I love you Bernie Wolfe, surprisingly in part because of your infuriating flaws  
\- I would rather enjoy kissing you in a place of your choice that is NOT owned by the NHS  
\- I’m not expecting a proposal in return, just your return to give us a proper chance to see where this undeniable sexual chemistry leads  
\- You will be buying me dinner upon your return  
\- And most importantly, you had better return!!!!!!

Serena

*******************************************************************************************

Placing the pen down precisely she sighed and then jumped in shock as someone cleared their throat in her office doorway. “Henrik!” she gasped.

“Ms Campbell” he inclined his head. “May I disturb you?” Serena waved him into her office and looked a little intrigued as he carefully closed the door behind him before surveying the discarded paper. “New filing system?” he asked in his driest tone.

“Can’t be any less efficient than the one we currently use” Serena assured him and settled back in her chair. “How can I help you?” 

Henrik bit back the smile at her bureaucracy barb and carefully maneuvered a chair from behind Bernie’s desk to sit nearer to Serena. He sat down and crossed his legs, running his fingers down his trouser leg before glancing back up to see his colleagues familiar ‘polite but get on with it’ gaze settled on him. “I understand you were enquiring about the exact length of Ms Wolfe’s secondment and I just wondered if there was a problem that I didn’t know about?”

Serena kept her bureaucratic poker face well in place and considered how much of the hospital gossip he had heard. “I was merely checking on when we can expect our co-lead to return to the fold,” she said quietly while keeping her hands crossed on her desk over the top of the letter. “There are no problems, you know how much I like to get ahead on the winter schedules” she swallowed surreptitiously.

“Even your renowned zeal for staff rotas doesn’t usually leave you working on them alone in your office at 9.30 on a Friday night” he gently suggested. The silence dragged out as Serena dropped her eyes to her desk and rearranged some papers. “I confirmed with my contacts in Kiev this afternoon, everything is going as scheduled and we will have the inimitable Ms Wolfe back by the second week in December,” he said quietly.

“Thank you” Serena whispered before clearing her throat and quickly running her hand across her eyes to capture the sudden moisture.

He stood and returned the chair to its original place, carefully stepping over the papers on the floor. “You know these secondments enhance the reputation of our hospital and British medicine around the world” he started and heard her sigh behind him. “However in the future, if you suspect that such a request will cause you any issues, please talk to me before it gets to this stage”

“The ward is ticking along nicely, there are no problems Henrik,” she said sadly.

“Your welfare is also my concern Serena,” he said quietly. “I know that you will keep the unit running without any problems, but I am allowed to be concerned at the effect of her absence on you”

Serena gave up trying to hide her emotions and stood slowly to offer her hand to her boss. “Henrik I’ll be fine, especially now that I know she’s definitely coming back” she heard the tremble in her voice and cleared her throat again. 

Henrik shook her hand, gently placing his other hand on top of hers as well, “If there is anything I can do until then, please let me know”

Serena spent the next ten minutes tidying up the office, putting all of the balled up trial runs for her letter into the bin and getting rid of the empty coffee cups and chocolate wrappers littering her desk. Once order was restored she carefully folded her letter and placed it into the envelope, sealing it and adding some sellotape to ensure it remained closed until it arrived at its intended destination. She checked the address she had previously written on the front of the envelope and rubbed her thumb slowly over Bernie’s name before slipping it into her handbag and leaving her office. She was glad that she’d had the foresight to add the necessary postage stamps to the envelope as well because any further delay in her dropping this into an unforgiving and impregnable postbox would have given her another chance to chicken out. Serena was not a quitter however, she hoped that was clear from the contents of the letter, so she stopped for a brief moment in front of the postbox in the entrance hall of the hospital but then dropped the letter into it and continued to her car. 

Raf watched her exit the hospital as he wandered back towards the taxi rank after his evening in Albies. He checked his watch and grimaced, wishing there was something he could do for his friend. He looked at her again and noticed a slight change though, she didn’t seem to be dragging herself to her car quite so much as he had noticed recently. It wasn’t exactly a skip either but it was definitely something in between and he heaved a huge sigh of relief. “She’s coming back” he grinned and headed home to the chaos of his own life, finally sure that Serena and Bernie would be alright……...eventually.


End file.
